Sunday, 13 January 2013

You couldn't make this stuff up

Recently I have been compared to a character in a popular BBC1 comedy programme. I won't say who but suffice to say that to begin with, I was not amused.

Now when the comparison was first made I ignored it, I had never seen the show and, like a massive child, I just sulked. However eventually I gave into peer pressure (I try not to give into peer pressure too much not since the night I drank six shots of tequila in a row...) and watched the show and well to be honest, I thought it was hilarious. And I have to admit (grudgingly) that I can see similarities. We are both tall ladies with chests and I admit that I too can sometimes be a little clumsy.

Actually not really a little clumsy a big bit clumsy and recently this is getting out of control. In fact I am not even sure it can be defined as clumsy anymore. I would say I am a magnet for cosmic cock-ups (ok, a little dramatic, but really if something silly is going to happen to anyone it will happen to me).  

For example- a glass will be smashed and hours spent cleaning it up, I will then manage to stand on the one piece of glass that escaped (yes this did happen and resulted in my foot meeting a scalpel without any numbing- ouch!) If there is an open drawer I will walk into it and if I am under a table (best not to ask why) I will bang my head. I have come to terms with this fact. But recently I feel it has reached a whole new level.

It all started when it was icy. I kept slipping (we all slip i hear you say) but seriously, every time I went out I ended up flat on my back (snigger snigger- yes hooray you have a dirty mind!) in the space of one week I fell three times and I scraped my hands and knees every time which really hurts! This has caused a slight fear of walking- when it is slippy I now walk like I am 104 or have had a little accident and even then I still slip. In fact, I was recently out and it wasn't even that cold and I found the only piece of ice and slipped on it. It's getting embarrassing and I worry that the people who stay around my home and office have now seen my underwear too many times as I slip in skirts and dresses.

And it is not just when I am walking, oh no. I am getting a new boss at work and when I first met him I sat on a chair opposite him for a getting to know you chat. It was a computer chair and it collapsed leaving me flailing on the floor. This is not a good first impression..... (And no it did not collapse under my weight it had a faulty lever- honestly it did.) 

I also end up in the strangest situations, just this week I came home to the flat and needed the loo. In a rush I did not take off my jacket (is it normal to go to the loo in outdoor clothing? I do not know- but there you go I admit it I did it). Anyway, due to my many layers after going to the toilet I got tangled and somehow managed to tuck the toilet paper into my leggings. I then walked through the flat trailing toilet paper and only noticed when I tried to turn the corner and got stuck. Let me tell you though that toilet roll was strong (I am thinking about offering this as a way to test the strength of toilet paper if anyone from a loo roll company is reading- get in touch) Anyway, after realising I was tangled I shouted to my ever supportive boyfriend for help, he took one look at me and said "You're a classy bird!" He then untangled me and we re-rolled the toilet paper but have you ever noticed that after being unrolled toilet paper never looks the same again? 

See, it's cute when he does it!

Anyway, I am now worried that my clumsiness is rubbing off on other things. Like my car. My poor little pudsy car had a basketball net fall on his nose in December. Yes, I know this sounds amusing but actually it was very expensive. Poor Car! 

So basically, I admit it I am clumsy and there are some similarities to that tv programme I mentioned at the start. But it is exciting being this clumsy. You know how they say do something that scares you every day? Trying to walk without falling over scares me- so all in all I lead a pretty exciting and daredevil life. 

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